Self Preservation

The endless craving for another's company, for too long have I blindly lived under this philosophy, this ideal, this longing to find comfort and solace amid what has felt like chaos and everlasting turmoil. I don’t really question my actions often enough. I’ve let my instinct grope for gentleness and care and warmth of a delicate flower not realizing that I’m in prickly, deadly swamp. I’ve looked too long for generous hearts and hearts I did find generously- in a pile of dead bodies – fucking dead hearts. I’ve deluded myself into thinking that there’s innocence, generosity, honor still out there. If it’s still out there then it’s a fucking travesty of what it should be is what I say. Humanity is fucking fallacy men like me fall for. Love inspires selfishness, people covet. It is love that’s the true cause for this endless saga. Evil’s the alter ego all that is good. There’s no good, it’s still just survival out there. In this world, where I’ve been taught selflessness is a virtue, there exists possibly none. All of us grow up. Why can’t I live without pain? The Buddha was right. Freedom from desire is the only way to attain salvation. In this context it’s quite immaterial. I just don’t want this mountain on my back anymore. I don’t want to please anyone anymore. It’s just me, more me and a lot more of me. Fuck all these rules of humans have invented -the courtesies, the manners and the etiquettes to allure people. If it feels good to see others happy then you're dumb, they don't give a fuck!. These phases have scarred my life long enough. I can’t in fact actually believe that I once enjoyed being in such a pitiable state. I’ve always innately felt that someday something bright will dawn. It didn't, it won't. Happiness is not peace. If I stopped talking to most people I know and talk only when it’s a matter of self preservation then no harm could come to me - This way I can't possibly hurt anyone else. If I decided to turn a deaf ear to what people have to say then I’ll never feel hurt. I don’t want their words of praise intertwined with conceit and deceit to delude me again.There has to be balance in nature. If there’s good there’s evil. If there’s happiness there is sadness. What if I contribute neither?